Imposter and Plateau
Yesterday I complained to my wife that I don’t really like signalling railway, not the way some of my colleagues or the people I meet in the industry. I then went on that I don’t really adore engineering, either mechanical engineering such as automotive, where some people know the horsepower of the new concept car (this car can go from zero to sixty in 6.321 seconds!), or consumer products such as some people who knew the latest details of the screen on that brand new flagship phone (this phone has 482 megapixels!) . Most of the times I just know the basics, that the tech works, which one is generally better and ‘get away’ with it.
My wife then stopped ignoring me, turned towards me and asked me whether I want to change my job.
I said no. Well, it is not the job, but the ability or feeling of being capable doing the job, and…
She cut in and said I was having the imposter syndrome setting in.
Fast forward to today, after a good night sleep and a good day of work, I came home and went to water to my garden. I don’t have a water hose so I used used milk plastic containers to carry the water to the plants. It is laborious and requires around 10 containers of water, which I completed in 5 trips since I had two containers. On certain days when I am rushing, I would let one container fill up at the sink, while I ran with the other to pour on the plants. But today I felt the time was a bit abundant, so I filled up both containers, carried to the garden and slowly watered the plants. I even hovered over them and inspected them while I poured my attention (figuratively) and the water (literally).
I then said to my wife, that I felt the same way before almost recurrently every 3-5 years, throughout my career. Normally it comes when I am not worried enough about learning how to do my job, but not comfortable enough that I can completely relaxed and excel in it too. It is neither here nor there, and it is a plateau.
So what is the solution, my wife asked.
Nothing, just keep working on it. Things will come into place. Like watering the plants, it just needs doing and the plants will grow in time. If you feel this way too, I hope my ramblings provided some kind of benefit or relief.
On another note, here I am worried about my quality of job, while a software engineer lied his way to tens of jobs. What a weird world we live in.
Thanks for reading.